Beyond the Grave: Teen Suicide and Cyber Bullying

Image taken from http://www.hauntedyards.com/tombstones1.html%22%3EHaunted





First and foremost, I would like to apologise for not having written in a while; my life offline has been pretty hectic these past few months. I wanted to take the time to write in here tonight on account of a news article that popped up in my news feed this evening regarding another report of teenage suicide. The full article can be read by clicking on the link below:

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/national/8275223/cyber-bullied-teen-taunted-after-death

Daani Sanders took her own life just yesterday after suffering continual harrassment from cyber bullies. The article seems to read that most of the bullies came from her school, and that the bullying was done over Facebook. What makes matters worse is that the tribute pages set up by Daani's friends on Facebook have been the target of further bullying, with people saying that they "laughed... out hard" when they heard the tragic news. The video attached to the article portrays hundreds of people gathering around to pay her respects, people who genuinely cared for her and are now sad that she is gone. Her boyfriend was also interviewed for the news report.

There are a few things about this story which disturb me greatly, and raise some very alarming questions. These are:

1) The fact that people had the gall to say they were glad she died on the Facebook tribute pages. There is something quite unsettling about people delighting in other peoples' tragedies. Has bullying now reached a level where the bullies are no longer satisfied with making their victims' lives miserable, that they have to kill themselves before a bully can say he/she has reached his/her ultimate goal? And what is this saying in general about the kind of environment our kids are growing up in?

2) The fact that the bullying has continued after death . Isn't it enough now that a life has been taken because of cruel words and callous remarks? What do these people aim to achieve by rubbing salt onto the already existing wounds of the victim's family and friends?

3) The fact the Daani's parents had to pull her out of school because of the bullying. There is a pattern I am finding in a lot of the (cyber) bullying cases I have been reading lately, and withdrawing the victim from the school where the bullying is taking place is one of them. The question begs as to why do parents feel that this is the ultimate course of action they need to take to make sure their kids are safe. With all the anti-bullying policies and procedures schools have placed to ensure student safety, why do some students still unsafe? How serious are teachers/principles taking this very important issue? These questions arise from a person who will eventually become a teacher one he has finished his degree, so while I do not have the answers to these questions now, I am certain that I will find these answers out when I step into the teaching field, and I hope to be able to find ways of making sure the system works properly.

4) What I found the most disturbing about the whole incident is the way in which the boyfriend reacted to hearing of her death. He claims not to have known the extent of the bullying, and seems to actually be downplaying the incident, claiming that bullying would not have been a major contributing factor behind his beloved's death:

"I guess bullying could come in but I don't know, I don't really think it's about bullying...She has other issues that no one knows, not even me."

Now, I am probably being a little bit too judgmental of the boyfriend's character; it could very well be that he is still in mourning and that downplaying what happen is simply his way of dealing with the grief. But if you're in a steady relationship with someone, and you had a little bit of an idea of the problems and "other issues" that someone is having, why would you not keep the communication lines open and try and get him/her to open up to you? Furthermore, he would have known about Daani's parents taking her out of school because of the bullying. This should have been another indicator that the bullying had to have been more serious than he realised.

Things that I have realised and learned from reading this article are:

1) Making sure you know your cyber friends really well. It is interesting that Daani had over 2000 Facebook friends at the time the bullying occurred. How many out of those 2000 Facebook friends did she really know? Did she know them well enough to be able to trust them in sharing her personal online life with them? I just know for myself that I never had that many friends when I was 16, and still don't have that many today. I guess one important lesson we could learn here is to be careful who we are adding as friends on Facebook and other social websites, because we really do not know what kind of people are out there in cyberspace. Perhaps some of her "friends" were fake profiles set up by the bullies that tormented her at school, in order to try and get to her? I remember from my own struggle against cyber bullying that that was what my bully used to do. Making sure you add ONLY those people you know and trust as friends on social networks is probably the safest way to ensure you do not become a victim of cyber bullying.

2) It is NEVER good to downplay bullying or to treat it lightly. Always keep communication lines open, especially if you are in a relationship where you sense your partner is being bullied by someone else. I guess part of the reason why Daani's boyfriend never understood the extent of the bullying is because there was a communication breakdown somewhere. I am not saying this to try and make out that he is partly at fault for what happened; what I am saying is if we know of someone who is having difficulty fitting in at school to be aware of possible "signals" they are sending, and making sure that we lend a listening ear, so that that person can know they can turn to you for comfort and advice.

3) As an extention of 2), people who are being bullied should always remember that they are not alone in this struggle. The video reports hundreds of people who cared for Daani and are grieving her death; only a small handful of people had bullied her. The number of people who cared enough about her far outweighed the number of people who had tried to tear her down - and succeeded. I know I have mentioned this on more than one occassion in this blog, but I feel that communication is one of many tools which we can use to help those we know of who are victims of (cyber) bullying. Helping the victims see things from the perspective that there are more people who care about them than hate them, can be a great help for them, for this knowledge can be a great strength to them when things become too unbearable.

To conclude, there are many questions still left unanswered. The most tragic thing about teenage suicide in general is the fact that families and friends will never be able to fully understand the reasons why the person who they cared for decides to take their own life. While we might not know the answers to all of the questions we ask ourselves when such tragedies occur, we can prevent other people from going through the same trauma by raising awareness and speaking out for tougher measures against bullies.

How Could It Have Gotten This Far? My Thoughts on the Jessi Slaughter Case

Image taken from radiohillsdale.com


Warning: The following video clips and some of the subsequent links contain explicit content, and it is advised that this particular blog entry be read at parental discretion.

It seems that I am now finding a lot of things to write about in this blog. While this is quite a disturbing tale, I feel it needs to be shared here as an example of how cyber bullying can go too far, and how incorrect procedures in counteracting cyber bullying can easily backfire.

The following video clip was featured in an online news update that came up when I logged onto my computer yesterday. This is a video of a very distraught girl and her parents pleading for the people who have been spreading rumours about the girl online and pranking their house to stop what they are doing:



At first glance, I felt a lot of sympathy towards 11 year old Jessi Slaughter (not her real name). That is, of course, until I did some more research and saw the video that actually started the whole tirade:



After yet further research, I had found out the reason why Jessi posted this video was because rumours were spread about her on a pre-teen social website called "Sticky Drama". The rumours were apparently started by members of the site, who spread the word that Jessi was in a relationship with the lead singer of an emo band (NineMSN).

After reading and viewing the responses to these rumours, Jessi decided to teach those "haters" a lesson by posting the above video. This was picked up by sites such as 4chan and Tumblr (Chen and News.com.au), and became distributed widely. In response to this "hate the haters" video, people began spreading Jessi's personal details online, including her phone number and address (Chen and NineMSN). People who accessed these details began to send prank messages to her home, ranging from pizza orders, to death threats (Chen, NineMSN and Stryker). One prankster even tried to call their house and posed as a police officer, saying that one of the "haters" that Jessi's video was addressed to had mysteriously disappeared (News.com.au). This was apparently when Jessi's parents were alerted to what exactly was happening (Momlogic).The most recent news that I could find is that Jessi is now in protective custody, until the people responsible for spreading her personal details online have been found (Chen, NineMSN, and Stryker).

The more I am finding out about the case, the more I come to realise how disturbing this case is - on SO many levels. How an act of childish pranks has escalated into a full police investigation defies all logic. Yet the more I read about this case, the more I come to realise that there were also plenty of measures people could have taken to prevent this situation from occurring. While many people seem to be pointing fingers and taking sides as to who is to blame for all of this (read the comments on the links posted at the end!), I would like to step back and present the facts in a more neutral perspective here, in order help the reader see how each member in this case could have done things a bit differently to prevent Jessi's current demise. It is to be remembered that in all cases of media coverage, only part of the full picture is revealed to us, and it is important that the reader keeps this in mind as he/she reads what I have to say on the matter.

Firstly, let us look at what Jessi herself could have done to avoid the situation. This is obviously a no-brainer: She should not have uploaded that video to begin with. By retaliating against her online attackers by producing this video, not only was she leaving herself open to further ridicule, but she herself had become one of the four types of cyber bullies out there, namely, the "Vengeful Angel" type of cyber bully. She felt that what she was doing was completely justifiable; in her eyes, she was trying to correct a wrong that had originally been done to her. The "Vengeful Angel" type of cyber bully cannot see that what he/she is doing is actually an act of cyber bullying, hence why she is so adamant in her defense video that it is the "HATERS" that have caused these problems for her, and not herself.

While it is true that these "haters" did indeed instigate the cyber bullying, she should not have tried to play fire with fire. A much better approach to the situation would have been to block them from her "Sticky Drama" account, as is explained in one of my previous posts. This post gives the reader other useful and productive ways of dealing with the situation, rather than trying to fight back with the same venom your online abusers are using.

Given the fact that Jessi is only 11 years old, and has not had much experience in the "real" world, it is highly likely that she did not realise these options were available to her. Because we do not know exactly what was going on in her head at the time she decided to post her response video, we should try not to judge her for poor decision making, despite what we think of her frankly obnoxious behaviour in the clip. She is simply a girl who has made a very foolish choice, and there is no doubt now that she is starting to feel the consequences of her actions.

I now draw my attention to Jessi's parents, who are also an interesting case to study. Through an interview with Momlogic, Jessi mother reveals that Jessi was given her own computer and web cam to use in her bedroom for her own private use. As the interview progresses, it is clear that her mother has not known - and still does not know - what her daughter gets up to online. Furthermore, Mrs Slaughter has been quoted frequently online to say that she has not seen the video that Jessi had posted, and does not WANT to see it (Chen and Momlogic). While I can appreciate Mrs Slaughter wishing to respect her daughter's privacy, living in denial and ignorance is not going to help her or her family pull through this tragedy. As a mother, she has every right to know what her daughter gets up to online and with whom she chats with. Proper ways of keeping the communication lines open with your children have been previously looked into in this post. Had BOTH Mr and Mrs Slaughter taken an interest into what their daughter was doing online, they could have easily prevented the situation before it even happened.

What is interesting is how the parents themselves get involved in the plea video. To me, it is as though they themselves have joined in to become "Vengeful Angels" themselves. Again, they would not see themselves in that light (much like Jessi would not be able to), but their behaviour matches the characteristics of this type of cyber bully like a glove. Again, we should not judge either Jessi or the parents for something that was said as a "spur of the moment" outburst. It is clear from the video that Mr and Mrs Slaughter indeed love their daughter and they were doing the best that they knew how to protect her from those that were spreading falsehoods about her. Perhaps they also didn't know about the more constructive measures one can take to combat cyber bullying? As mentioned earlier, we are dealing with only one side of the story here, as it has been presented to us, and we cannot know what was going on their minds at the time the video was made.

The last thing I wish to look at is the various websites that were involved in spreading the rumours and personal details (not to mention Jessi's response video). According to Adrian Chen, "Sticky Drama" - the website where all of these rumours began - is a "a crowd-sourced gossip website " for pre-teens ('How the Internet Beat Up an 11 Year Old Girl'). I have never heard of "Sticky Drama" until the Jessi Slaughter incident, but the nature and purpose behind this website makes me question why further measures are not taken to ensure that websites dedicated to gossip are not set up? Why has there been a website set up for people to gossip about other people and tell lies about? And furthermore, why are pre-teens encouraged to join such a website? While I have heard of Tumblr - one of the websites that spread the video around - I had not heard of 4Chan which, according to Chen, seems to be a pretty dangerous site where users can channel into other websites and use the information to spread viral messages about other people, which might not necessarily be true. Again, why are such websites set up for these purposes? I actually plan on writing a future post about such websites and why they can be dangerous places to visit, but that is for another time.

In short, there is a LOT of information we don't know about the case, with a lot of different angles people can analyse the situation from. The lack of maturity from Jessi, to the lack of parental responsibility of the parents, to the lack of common decency from "Sticky Drama", 4Chan and Tumblr users - all of these factors and more have contributed to this rather sticky mess. It is clear that Jessi Slaughter is far from being the innocent victim, and readers are free to choose to believe that she gets everything that is coming to her. However, regardless of how foolish her actions were, it is my opinion that NOBODY - yet alone an 11 year old girl - should have to live in fear of their life. My thoughts are with her and her family at this time, and hope they will be able to pull themselves out from their dilemma. I also hope that this post will help its readers learn from the mistakes others have chosen to make, and learn to deal with cyber bullying safely, productively, and responsibly.

Reference List:

Chen, Adrian. "11-Year-Old Viral Video Star Placed Under Police Protection After Death Threats (Updated)" Gawker.com. Web. 20 July 2010. http://gawker.com/5590166/

------------- "The Art of Trolling: Inside a 4chan Smear Campaign," Gawker.com. Web. 20 July 2010. http://gawker.com/5589721/the-art-of-trolling-inside-a-4chan-smear-campaign?skyline=true&s=i

------------- "How the Internet Beat Up an 11 Year Old Girl." Gawker.com. Web. 20 July 2010. http://gawker.com/5589103/how-the-internet-beat-up-an-11+year+old-girl?skyline=true&s=i

"EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Mom Defends 11-Year-Old YouTube Sensation Jessi Slaughter." Momlogic.com. Web. 20 July 2010.

"Jessi Slaughter has killed herself? The latest rumour in an unsavoury tale of trolling." News.com.au. Web. 20 July 2010. http://www.news.com.au/technology/jessi-slaughter-has-killed-herself-the-latest-rumour-in-an-unsavoury-tale-of-trolling/story-e6frfro0-1225894080075

Stryker, Cole. "The Jessi Slaughter Scandal - An Unbalanced 11-Year-Old Girl's Ongoing Fight With Internet Trolls." Urlesque.com. Web. 20 July 2010. http://www.urlesque.com/2010/07/19/jessi-slaughter/

"Viral Girl Under Police Protection". NineMSN News. Web. 19 July 2010. http://news.ninemsn.com.au/technology/7931577/viral-video-girl-under-police-protection

Identity Theft and You

Image taken from mediabistro.com



It is true that I have not written here in a while. This is partly due to the fact that my studies have begun to take priority over my blog sites, and I have not had the time to sit down and write a good quality article. The other reason is because there hasn't really been much motivation from my end to continue raising awareness of cyber bully prevention. That is, of course, until a recent incident that happened a little over a month ago drove me to start writing about this issue again. I would have posted this entry sooner, had I had the time to get my thoughts together. I always try to research my chosen topics thoroughly, and always like to take the time to think about what I am writing, because what I share on this site is meant to be for your help and benefit.

The topic I wish to discuss is identify theft. While this type of cyber crime cannot really be defined as a type of cyber bullying, both types of cyber crimes deal with the notion of power and the drive to take another person's power away from them. While cyber bullies attempt to rob their victims of their power of self-worth, online frauds use their victims' personal information to rob them of their power of identity. Like cyber bullying, identity theft is a crime, and it is a matter which is to be taken seriously.

What is Identify Theft?

A little over a month ago, a very good friend of mine had his online identity stolen from him. A young man whom he met online and with whom he became friends with on Facebook wanted to introduce him to a fun new game application he was offering. All my friend needed to do was to give this man his log in and password, so that he could activate the application for him. Believing that he would get to use this new game application, my friend gave those private details over to this young man. Before long, this man used the information to hack into my friend's account, and started doing things that my friend did not give him permission to do. His password was changed on him, making him unable to access his account and repair the damage this man had caused. Furthermore, the information was used to hack into another social website my friend was involved in, and the password was changed in similar fashion, so that he could no longer access this account either. Together with his mother, my friend made a rush effort to contact everybody who he was friends with and let them know of the situation, and asked us to remove ourselves from his friend list and block both accounts. This was done promptly, and I informed my friend and his mother that I had made sure the Facebook administration team knew what had happened. Within a few hours, this man's account was deleted, along with the hacked account. My friend had to create a new Facebook account and start re-building his online identity again.

The case of my friend is a good example that describes what identity theft is. Identity theft involves stealing another person's identity, in order to gain benefits from that stolen identity (Scamwatch). Usually, these benefits are of a monetary nature e.g. credit card and tax scams, fraudulent charity donations, applications for bank loans, government benefits, etc (Consumer Fraud Reporting, Crimes-of-persuasion.com, Scamwatch), but in the case of my friend, the benefits could just be the “thrill” of managing to lure an unsuspecting victim into a false sense of security and robbing them of what is important to them. In the United States, identity theft is reported to be “the fastest growing crime in the country” (Williams, 2010). With the increasing amount of identity theft cases (Crimes-of-persuasion.com). Many world governments and website managers are thinking of ways of how to best combat against and protect internet users from this problem. While identity theft is not committed exclusively online, this article will only deal with this issue from an online perspective.

How do I recognise if someone is trying to commit identity theft?

The most common method for online frauds to steal your identity is through phishing scams, such as the one in the illustration in Jerri Ledford's article, Recognize Identity Theft Scams (2010). Here, Ledford takes you through a step by step tutorial of specific things to look for in a phish email. As a rule, I personally do not open up any email from any person or organisation that I do not recognise. Yet, reading Ledford's article reminds me of a time when I received an email from my local bank, which had similar details to the example Ledford gives us. Thank goodness I knew that my bank does not send emails requesting for verification of bank details, otherwise I would have thought this email had actually come from my bank! Other phishing scams I have seen in my inbox include donation charities that I have never heard of, and a woman from Nigeria wishing to give me her inheritance when she passes away (I have since found out that the latter scam is a common one that people have used for quite a few years now, as you can read about here. ) (Kayne, 2010)

What steps can I take to prevent identity theft from happening to me?

Rachelle Williams gives us some useful tips on how to best prevent identity theft from happening to you ('How to Prevent Identity Theft Online', 2010):

* Use extreme caution on File Sharing Sites – this would include websites such as Facebook, MySpace, or any other social website that requires you to share personal information in order to join up (Lovett, 2008 and Williams, 2010).

* Properly disconnect your computer from a Broadband connection – While I personally think that is taking things to the extreme (I would never take such precautions myself), it is indeed sensible advice.

* Be aware of common phishing scams – new ones are being dreamed up all the time, and I have found that the internet is rich with information on the types of new scams that are coming out.

* Be cautious when sending emails – Williams warns us about sharing sensitive information in an email, as they can be intercepted by online scammers ('How to Prevent Identity Theft Online,' 2010).

* Use security software and keep it updated – Again, very sensible advice, which I actually DO take. It is a valuable tool in helping to detect what viruses are trying to get into your computer, as well as reducing the risk of someone hacking into your computer and stealing your information.

What do I do if I have discovered my account has been hacked into?

If you have become a victim of an identity theft scam that involves money, the Consumer Fraud Reporting website gives three basic steps on what you can do to counteract the situation (2010). With cases such as the one my friend was involved in, the appropriate actions to take would be to firstly, let your friends know of the situation and secondly, contact the administration team or help desk IMMEDIATELY, so that the scammer cannot cause any further damage - to you or to anyone else. Most government agencies have hotline numbers which you can call to report cases of identity theft, such as this one that the U.S. Government has organised.

In any case, IMMEDIATE action is the key to fixing the problem, if you believe you have become a victim of identity theft.


After my friend's account was hacked into and his online identity taken over, he was naturally devastated. After seeing what steps he should have taken to better protect himself, he was able to take this as a learning experience, and knows better now than to give out his personal information freely online. I hope this article has been beneficial to you, in that you have become better well-informed as to what identity theft is and that you now know what steps you can take to avoid having this ever happening to you.

Reference List:

Consumer Fraud Reporting, 2009. Web. May 2010.
http://www.consumerfraudreporting.org/index.php

Crimes of Persuasion, 2000. Web. May 2010.
http://www.crimes-of-persuasion.com/Crimes/Telemarketing/Inbound/MajorIn/id_theft.htm

Kayne, R. What Is a Phishing Scam? Wisegeek.com. Web. 18 July 2010.
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-phishing-scam.htm

Ledford, Jerry. Recognize Identity Theft Scams – Spotting a Phishing Email. About.com. Web. May 2010. http://idtheft.about.com/od/preventionpractices/ss/phishing_scams.htm

Lovette, Guillaume. Online Identity Theft: Who's after my Facebook Password? SC Magazine. Web. 18 July 2010. http://www.scmagazineus.com/online-identity-theft-whos-after-my-facebook-password/article/109242/http://www.scmagazineus.com/online-identity-theft-whos-after-my-facebook-password/article/109242/

Scamwatch, 2008. Web. May 2010. http://www.scamwatch.gov.au/content/index.phtml/tag/identitytheft

Williams, Rachelle. How to Prevent Identity Theft Online: Five Tips for Preventing ID Theft While Surfing the Web. Suite101.com. Web. May 2010
http://peacesecurity.suite101.com/article.cfm/how_to_prevent_identity_theft_online

A discovery and personal story about dealing with Mean Girls online (and offline ) and how to handle the situation.

Image taken from fitnews.com.

This article was originally shared by Sarah H. in the anti-bullying group I had originally established in Flickr. It has been reproduced here with her permission.

*The names in this story have been changed for legal reasons.


My personal story with the Mean Girl version of cyberbullying happened on a site called Yahoo!Answers ( it may have a different name, depending on what country you come from ) which is a Question and Answer site.
You may have seen it and you may also have used it now and again or maybe similar websites such as, Yedda or Answerbag.com.
There are so many to be honest, I am sure.

How the cyberbullying happened, was that a girl called *Mary of 20 years of age and a guy called *Bob of 24 years of age,
got a funny idea in their heads that I was spreading public online nonsense on the website about *Bob which involved calling him nasty names and things.
So they got some bizzare idea that it would be fun to do this to me, though they didn't use my name but I could tell that the questions were hinting at me because of the words they used. Yes, I did report them to the website admins but all I got back was an automated message after a few days, asking me to provide them with more information.

Luckily the website does provide you with the option of blocking "trolls" aka bullies such as these if they ever do come back under a different account with a new username.

Anyway, *Bob and I had heart-to-heart oneday where I did ask him why he had all this hatred towards me for?
I got a pleasant e-mail back from him saying that he really did think I was spreading nasty rumours about him.
I e-mailed him back saying that no, I would never do that and that I was being angry back because of the nasty rumours him and *Mary were spreading about me.
And no, he never e-mailed me back after that. But at least he had the decency to e-mail me back to discuss things.

As for *Mary? well I did try having a decent e-mail heart-to-heart with her but all I got back from her was immature behaviour and her accussing me of being a lesbian and bisexual and that I was a horrid nasty evil person!
Not exactly mature behaviour for a 20 year old female, quite peculiar more like it.
Anyway, the reason why she was being so accusatory was to do with a silly Avatar game that alot of people seem to like playing in the Polls & Survey section or P&S on Yahoo!Answers, where we had to ask funny but nice things about the people who posted above and below us.
I asked her a silly question and that's how it started.


The odd behaviour from them both, ceased after some weeks and besides I noticed that *Mary and *Bob were getting their profiles on the website suspended alot.
I think because alot of other users weren't amused with their behaviour either, I am guessing.


Recently, She also got a friend called *Jane to email me and call me some silly childish thing which doesn't deserve any mentioning here since I blocked and ignored her.

Which brings me to the discovery and research of "The Mean Girl Syndrome."


Dr. Ann Saunders a psychiatrist and associate professor of psychiatry at The University of Texas Medical School at Houston states from this site: www.uthealthleader.org/archive/children_teens/2004/girlbu...
that the profile of a Girl Bully is as follows:



Girl bullies, fueled by their own insecurities, play on the greater insecurities of others, and play it well. “There is a gang mentality and these girls are able to incite an entire clique through manipulation and fear,” Saunders says.

It usually starts in late elementary and blooms in middle school, timed well with the blossoming of hormones, which is timed well with the need for peer acceptance. Saunders explains that “personal power, such as popularity, becomes important when you are beginning to define yourself. We define ourselves at that age through the eyes of other kids.”

Usually girl bullies possess a certain charisma or charm that attracts others to them in the first place. “She may be fun to be with, someone who makes you feel special when she is favoring you.”

But this gift is buried in baggage that also contains other emerging emotional issues: abandonment fears, feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, a sense of powerlessness over other areas of their lives. Powerful fears need powerful weapons. “Girls rule,” Saunders says, “through passive-aggressive means—it’s what they’re socialized, conditioned, even trained to do.”

A girl bully will find someone who is “different” to belittle; weaker, to dominate; stronger, to neutralize. She attacks insidiously through gossip, whispering, rumors, social exclusion from the lunchroom table, the slumber party, the playground. She may be part of the “bully-victim” cycle, needing to control others because she feels bullied.


And she also very interestingly explains why certain other females are drawn to the mean girl and want to join her pack:

Profile of the accomplice:
the clique, the groups, the bystanders.

“Annie,” a statuesque Baylor University graduate remembers her role as a member of the mob who, led by their bully, literally drove a victim out of their middle school.

“Out of terror that we would be the next in line to be shut out, we did what we were told, which was to exclude her, pass rumors about her, make prank phone calls, wrap (toilet-paper) her house. It went on every day for years and years,” Annie says.

Annie has no recollection of the trigger event, or why the bully targeted that particular girl. “But I remember feeling horrible for this girl and, even though I didn’t do anything to her directly, I never did anything to help her, out of fear that they would turn on me.”

Eventually the victim changed schools.

Saunders says that the followers carry out these actions, “even though they know it is wrong, because their urge to ‘belong’ is so great that they can’t afford to say no.”

The mob mentality is often born out of the sheer relief that they are not the target. “The power of social shunning is so strong at that age, that the nicest of kids will partake in the collective bashing because, let’s face it, there is safety in numbers, and next time, it could be you who is terrorized,” says Annie’s mother, Donna Lee, who can still remember who reigned in terror when she was 13, “like it was yesterday.”


The profile of the victim/'s:


Victims don't come in one particular flavor. They can be pretty or ugly, fat or thin, popular or invisible. "But they represent something to the bully that is threatening or power-inducing," Saunders says.

Victims begin to act victimized. They become fearful, reclusive and insecure at school. "They don't have the perspective to know that this will pass, that the bully only has the power that is given to her by the victim (albeit, fueled by bystanders)," Saunders says.

"Victims at the pre-teen and adolescent stage are hyperconscious of group attitudes and how they are perceived by their peers." The victim wants to be part of The Group as badly as the bully does, so she believes the bully's power to be real. And in fact, the power can be very real and can involve what seems to be the entire school.

The Catch-22 is that victims are terrified to change the role that they have been unjustly assigned. In the world of little girls all jockeying for power, acceptance (or a wall to crawl behind), remaining a victim is, at least, a familiar danger. Challenging the bully after the terror has begun could make it grow.

Long-term emotional damage though, is the price.

James Synder, PhD, researched bully behavior at the kindergarten level. The Wichita State University researcher found that girls who were victimized in kindergarten were more likely to engage in antisocial behavior at home as they got older. At the same time, they acted increasingly more depressed at school if their victimization continued or escalated.

Synder also found that many kindergarteners (boys and girls) found themselves routinely verbally and physically abused on the playground. But by the time they reached first grade, the bullying seemed to settle over a smaller group of perpetual victims.




The role of the parent and what parents can do:

Parents, if you suspect that your child has become the target of bullying, step softly at first. “Kids don’t open up much in those adolescent years. So you might have to fish for clues. Ask them about school and ask specifics about their school lives.”

If she says that the whole school is ganging up on her, try to find perspective: is it the whole school or three little girls in the same clique? “Kids feel like it is everyone, when in fact, with a little help from parents, they can see that it is just one or two girls who have hurt her feelings.”

Sometimes parents come into parenting roles with their own scars from bullies and are more sensitive to the social ebb and flow than their own kids are. “Sometimes we make it worse, out of fear that our kids won’t make it through this awful time,” Lee says. “We barge up to the school, demanding to know who is leaving our child out of the circle or we over-involve ourselves in our kids’ lives.”

And sadly, sometimes the parent was or still is, a bully, herself. She even may be subconsciously reliving her own girlhood, encouraging her daughter to leave out certain friends in a play group or sleepover. Or, she may have been a victim and still be smarting over unresolved issues of her own.

Saunders agrees with Lee. “It is very powerful and can make things worse when you get the moms in the middle of it. The parents’ values are very significant. A rule of thumb: if a parent does or says something in moderation, the kid will do it in excess. Parents can get kids to act out all sorts of psychodramas for them.”



Experts generally agree that telling your kids to fight back is not the best advice. The situation can escalate in a blink.

The best intervention is early prevention. Start teaching kids in pre-school how to apologize and how to accept an apology. Apology and forgiveness are difficult issues for grown-ups as well. Parents might want to pay attention in their own homes to how well they, as adults, model this behavior.

Older children who are being teased can be encouraged to say, "I don't like your teasing," and simply walk away. In other words, if the bully has no victim, they can't bully.

What parents need to do is use adolescence as a teaching tool. Parents are the modifiers for this extreme stage in their daughters’ lives, simply because we’ve lived through it. Show your girls that “the bully behavior is motivated out of insecurity and jealousy, not because the bully is right.”

If you suspect that your child might be the bully, consider talking to the school counselor or teacher, quietly. Then perhaps a visit with a mental health professional is in order. “Most girls grow out of this bossy, controlling phase once their sense of selves are strong enough and they begin to form their own identities. But sometimes these are the first signs to serious anti-social behaviors that will continue and worsen in adulthood,” Saunders says.

Saunders also says that studies show that in school environments where teachers and principals practice zero-tolerance in such areas as bullying, that occurrences are less frequent. When incidents are reported, there are mechanisms in place to find solutions.

“Parents involved in middle school organizations should request that these programs be put in place,” Saunders suggests.

Though most young girls experience some aspect of bullying—as the victim, the bully, or the follower—usually they grow through it and grow because of it. By high school, bullies and victims have usually moved through this phase and are nearing more adult issues. If middle school experiences are still dictating their behavior, it may be time to intervene professionally, Saunders says.

For additional resources: The Ophelia project at www.opheliaproject.org



Since this is more about cyber bullying, here's some info on why it happens and what YOU can do to help prevent it whether you're a parent or a guardian:

Mean Girl’ Weapons
Go Hi-Tech /Cyber


In this generation, you don't have to wait a whole week for a
rumor to sweep through school. With email, instant
messaging, three-way calling and even picture cell phones,
girl bullies have all the tools to wreak havoc anonymously in a
nanosecond.

* Three-way or conference calling is used to set up
the unsuspecting victim. Two girls get her on the line
and bait her to say incriminating things about herself
or the invisible "third" girl on the phone.
* Instant messaging allows the "buddy system" to do
the work. Hiding behind a screen name, a girl bully
and her clique can create bogus identities or steal
someone's screen name, making it appear as if the
whole world truly is talking about the victim right in
front of them online.
* Kids are computer-savvy enough to create whole
websites that post their opinions about a person
—complete with photos/videos taken with picture
phones. With simple graphics software, photos can
be digitally altered, depicting young victims falsely
and cruelly. Victims of video can find themselves
streaming across a bully’s website.
* Or, bullies may deposit information online through
social media like myspace.com or facebook.com.
* Pre-adolescent blogging has become the hi-tech
version of the old- school Slam Book: a notebook of
empty pages circulated through the school where
kids wrote anonymous slams about a person.

For parents:

* Find out what safeguards are in place for your
children's school-based computers.
* Try to place the computer that your child has access
to in a family or adult monitored room.
* Contact your Internet service provider to inquire about
parental safeguards available.

Online Scamming

Image taken from hubpages.com

The idea for this article came from an experience I had just this past week, where I had applied for a job through an online job search website I belong to. There was a casual position going for actors/extras for a talent agency, and I decided to apply for it, firstly because of the fact that it was only a casual position (allowing me to continue my studies, while at the same time earning money), and secondly, it was relative to the eventual career move I plan on making after I finish Uni (teaching drama and music; I could get more acting experience by working for them). They promoted themselves as a highly professional company in their ad, and provided a list of famous Australian TV shows and films that they had managed to get their previous clients into, so I decided, “Well, why not?”

I received a phone call from them the very next day after I had applied, and they asked me all these personal details about me, which was at that point that the “alarm bells” started ringing off in my head (you know the ones I'm talking about – the ones that instinctively tell you when something fishy is going on). I decided not to give them the answers to these personal questions and asked instead if they could send me more information about them, before I made my final decision. The woman I spoke with on the phone agreed and sent me an email with a link to their website, as well as a copy of an application form for me to fill out.

The website did not give me any information that helped me learn more about the company. So I decided to investigate further and “googled” this company. I found a link to a professional acting academy website, where there was a discussion forum set up by people who had onced used this company to further their acting careers, but found out that they got conned. Their purpose of setting up the forum was to warn people to not join this company. What was further interesting was that one of the managers of this talent agency had infiltrated into the forum and started deleting all posts that he felt were “defamatory” towards the company, leaving only the “positive” posts for all to see. One of the people protesting against the dishonesty of this company posted an official government website that listed all of the recognized talent agencies in Queensland – the talent company I applied for was not on that list. All of this information confirmed to me that the “alarm bells” that went off in my head were not just my imagination running wild, but were in fact real warning signs. I decided to write them back and told them that I was withdrawing my application.

The next day, the talent agency spammed my email account with 5 new emails, urging me to fill out the application form. When I did not respond to them, they called and left several messages on my mobile phone to call them back. Today when they did it again, I told them pretty sternly that I would not put up with this any longer, and urged them to remove me from their database. I will find out tomorrow if they have definitely done that or not (if they call me again or not).

This incident inspired me to write this new article, because it can be seen that online scamming is just another form of cyber bullying. The pressure tactics and aggressive nature of this company has led me to believe that online scamming and cyber bullying both fall under the same category, and it is important to be aware of the dangers behind getting involved in such scams.

First of all, what is an online scam?

Online scams come in many different forms. They can come in the form of chain emails, or pop-up advertisements ( Consumer Affairs Victoria ). More often these advertisements promote the possibility of obtaining much wealth and a happier life ( Stay Smart Online )and make promises that are simply “too good to be true” ( www.choice.com.au ).

Ways to avoid online scams:

* Never be quick to trust an email or website from an unknown source, especially the ones that promise you instant wealth and happiness, or that ask you for personal details (such as your phone number, bank details, etc) ( Stay Smart Online)

* Take time to carefully research more about an unknown business company that has attempted to contact you, BEFORE you decide to work for them.

* Listen to the “warning bells” - according to the “Be Smart Online” website, if it looks too good to be true, then it usually is.

If you have seen a possible online scam happening, it is important to find out who you can contact in your country to report these cases, as online scamming is a criminal offence. In the case of my experience with this talent agency, I felt it was important to report to the admin of the job search website about this company.

I hope readers of this article have now received the help and advice they need to be able to effectively deal with online scams....

Advice for Parents

CBS news reporter Katie Couric gives her opinion and advice regarding cyber bullying. She quotes from Marcy Hertz from the Centres of Disease Control:

"First and foremost, dialogue: Ask kids where they're going when they're using the internet, just as you would if they were leaving the house. Visit sites so that you can discuss with children how they're spending their time online and where. The internet can be a powerful communications tool, but the most important tool is one as old as parenting itself: a good, honest talk with your kids".

I agree that parents and children should be able to communicate openly about their problems, that parents are making sure that they are creating an environment where their children feel comfortable about saying what is on their minds: their hopes, their fears, their dreams, their problems, their goals and asirations, their future. So when a problem such as cyber-bullying does happen to a child, he/she can feel that they can approach their parents and let them know what's wrong. However, rather than having your child even get to that stage, parents should consider discussing safe usage of internet and other media devices with their children BEFORE such an event occurs, just like they would discuss and warn their children of other dangers such as drugs, underage drinking, etc.

The "Internet Family Fun" website gives us some tips for parents on how to address this subject with their children:

"(Online) conversations now take place... over Instant Messengers and chat rooms. The only difference is the person that your child is talking to, is not Jimmy or Suzy from across the street, it could be anybody. In the online world there are predators searching for your child and your innocent child is no match against these deviants. Even if your child is street-wise and knows about these subjects they need to know that they can come to you if they get in trouble. It is time to talk to your kids. Quite frankly, open and honest conversation needs to start before your kids go online, but if they already are, there is no time like the present....

Not too many kids come running up to Mom or Dad when they get home from school anxiously announcing they got in trouble today. The same thing happens while they are online. One of the things that predators rely on is that kids won't come to you. Here are some of the reasons that they don't come to you.

* Kids fear that they will get in trouble.
* When it comes to a problem online, they are afraid they will lose computer privileges.
* They may have been doing something wrong and they don't want you to know about it.
* They are embarrassed at what happened.
* They don't want to disappoint you.
* They think you will over-react to the situation.
* If they tell you one part, they will have to tell you everything.
* They feel they can handle anything and are invincible (it won't happen to me).
* If a predator has already been in regular contact with your child the predator may be threatening them that they will come to you and tell you everything your son or daughter has been doing wrong.
* If a predator has already been in regular contact with your child the predator may have already convinced your child that you can not be trusted.

They say timing is everything. These conversations are always tough to start but if you do it as natural as possible it won't be that tough. You may want to schedule some time for a family meeting and talk. If you have more than one child you may want to talk to them separately so you can relay age-appropriate information to each child. My favorite place for uncomfortable conversation is the car. It offers privacy, no interruptions, and with the really uncomfortable parts you don't have to look them in the eye. Of course you need to be careful driving and it isn't appropriate to have the conversation in heavy traffic where you need 100% undivided attention to the road.

To bring the topic up here are some lead-ins:

* A related topic on a TV show or movie.
* After you leave the grocery store, you can talk about something you saw in the tabloid headline while waiting on line.
* Ask them straight out if they have ever run across pornography online.
* Ask if they have a blog or use instant messaging.


Most of all, don't forget to talk WITH your kids, not TO your kids. Conversation is a two-way street with back and forth. Ask, "what do you think?" or "how do you feel about it?". If they are going to feel comfortable coming to in the future, they need to know that it will be a conversation not a lecture (not that lectures don't have a time and a place).

Let them know why you care - that you don't want to see them hurt.

Don't be afraid to say that you don't know.... Always (be) happy to try and figure it out together.

Be honest. If a topic is uncomfortable for you to discuss with your children, say that you feel uncomfortable. Tell them it is OK for them to feel uncomfortable about talking about certain things too. But also explain that these things need to be talked about.

Talk often, so they that these conversations get easier each time."
(Taken from the "Internet Family Fun" Website: http://www.internetfamilyfun.com/internetsafety/talkingwithkids.htm)

I hope that what I have found will be helpful for parents who are visiting my blog site to realize that now is the time to start discussing safe internet usage with their children. I also recommend parents wishing to learn more to check out the "Internet Family Fun" website, as it has got more ideas on tips for parents on how to help prevent children from being cyber-bullied BEFORE it even happens.

Girl Stands Up to Cyber Bullies

WIVBTV news report, 26 May 2009

I find the last part of the video quite interesting, in that the police found no "maliciousness" in the girls' behaviour, hence why no charges were laid. What do they mean by that? What is their definition of "maliciousness", and how far must one go for the police to consider something to be "malicious?" It is an interesting thing to think about.....

Cyber-Bullying: Short Film

This one apparently won the Merit Prize at the 2009 School Digital Media Awards. It's a bit more light-hearted than the previous video I posted:



Uploaded by Mrkwan on 21 Jan 2009

Cyber Bullying: Let's fight it together

This short film is really powerful. I almost cried when I watched it:



Uploaded on YouTube by HeIsUnknown, 20 May 2008

Online Stalking in General

Image taken from www.stalkershandbook.com

I now go on to explain briefly the story of WHY I had felt the need to share the rest of my story of Bob, and how he turned on me from being my friend, to my stalker. I share this, because it is not just my story - this sort of thing has been happening to other people as well, somtimes not to such extremes, sometimes even worse. I have come to conclude from my experiences that cyber bullies are indeed stalkers, who enjoy abusing their victims verbally and emotionally.

I have recently been helping a friend who is also being stalked online by someone who has displayed the similar aggressiveness and zeal as Bob. However, for the record, this stalker is NOT Bob; he is definitely someone else. I know who Bob is, and I know who this other person is, but due to privacy reasons, I will not reveal the name of my friend, or the name of her cyber-bully. If my friend wants to make herself known, she will......

Originally, my friend was friends with this stalker here in Flickr, until he had stolen one of her self-portraits from her photostream. When she confronted him about this, he deleted the photo from his photostream and apologized. He later on followed her in all of her groups, harrassing her and creating new Flickr accounts, which she ended up blocking.

Eventually, he ended up joining one of my groups that my friend was also a member of, and she sent me a private message warning me of this man's behaviour. I ended up deleting him and sent him a message explaining why he was deleted. He responded with the following:

"hello jemanden
i red your stupid message and i could not stop laughing .why ? because i was sure that i will receive the exact message from you . i know also that you are Princess's friend and of course you will do what she told you without any reason.i mean you trust her because she made you blind and you follow her as a little child!!. i don't need to belong to your facken group.I only tested you and i was right.If you were really wise you would not react as a stupid man. Sorry for telling you that ,but it's the truth my friend.Now you should wake up and be wise before you can juge any body.What happened to me with (your friend) is none of your business boy.Do you understand???"

I responded with:

"Actually... it is YOU who looks more like a fool than you realize. I might be young, but old enough to know better that blurting out accusations WITHOUT BACKING THEM UP is childish and immature, such as what you yourself have done.

I have looked at your photostream, and (my friend) was absolutely right. There are pictures there that even I myself have recognized, and you have not given credit to that original person's work. (My Friend's)' self-portrait was one of those, and the only reason why you deleted it is because she threatened legal action against you. I HAVE SEEN THIS, so I know for a FACT that you do indeed steal photos from other people. Your failure to tell me your side of the story is evidence to me that this is true.

You say that I am lead blindly by (My friend). How do you know this? My judgement of you is not only based by what she has told me, but also by YOUR OWN behaviour and actions. (My friend) has been a huge support to me these past couple of months, ESPECIALLY when I was having personal problems in dealing with people who behave just like you are behaving right now. I too have had to deal with an online stalker, who I have had to block multiple times, because he had created multiple accounts, just like you have done. When I confronted him about his strange behaviour before I started blocking him, he reacted the exact same way I did, accusing ME of being the silly one and being stupid.

You see, whenever online stalkers/bullies are exposed, they tend to react the exact same way, such has been my experiences online. They chuck "temper tantrums" at the person who has confronted them, and accuse THEM of being the ones who are childish. Your immature reaction to my giving you a chance to explain yourself proves to me that, like my online stalker, you cannot deny that what has been said is true, and the only way you can defend yourself is by throwing insults at the people who have confronted you. It is interesting how you accuse me of behaving as a little child, when I had tried to be diplomatic by giving you a chance to explain your side of the story via email, and you come up with such a childish email.....

This behaviour, as well as seeing the stolen photos from other people in your photostream, does not give me any reason to disbelieve (my friend). It is not her words that have influenced my decision. Rather, it has a LOT to do with how I see YOU interact on Flickr. Your response to my email only further confirms that my decision is correct....

...Seeing as I have given you the chance to explain yourself, and and used that chance up by writing such an immature email, I am now going to block you, as I can see that you are not capable of responding in a mature and diplomatic manner, nor is your character any good....

From was_bedeutet_jemanden"

Since then, I believe my friend has not heard anything new from this guy, so I guess he has moved on to, but not entirely lost in cyber space. Like Bob, I know he's still around too.....

What was interesting about this experience was how all my feelings towards Bob and what he did ended up coming flooding back to me when I was helping my friend deal with her problem. Feelings that I had thought I had definitely left behind, but yet a twinge of hurt was still there. Like my friend, I was betrayed by someone who I let in as a friend, someone who turned out to be a monster.

It was because of this experience that I decided to tell the rest of my story, as originally I had planned on not sharing it at all. Now that I have seen what my friend had gone through, I could see that not only the other part of my story would not only help me to deal with the hurt I feel, but also help others realize that my experience is not uncommon, that there are others out there on Flickr and other social websites that have experienced similar things, and it is important to share those experiences and explain how you overcame those trials. This was the whole purpose of why this group was organized to begin with.

In short, I hope that this group will continue to be a source of help to those who want to learn more about how to best deal with online predators, and I hope that we can all come to learn from each others' experiences.

(In case any of you were wondering, I did ask permission from my friend first before telling her story)....

Cyber Bullying and Online Stalking pt. 4 - The Conclusion

(Continuation from Part 3

So here is where my story offically ends. These past three months have been an emotional strain for me, but somehow, with the help of all my wonderful friends who have been there for me during this trying time, I have managed to pull through it. I really couldn't have done it without them.....

As for Bob, I believe he has finally gotten the message, after I sent him that last email, although that has not stopped him from trying at least once a week to try and get me to respond to him. His latest attempt was to get himself involved in a “get rich quick” scam, and wanted my advice AFTER he had gone ahead and signed the deal. Part of me wanted to warn him of the scam – the other part of me knew that even if his getting involved in such a scam were true, just to get my attention again, he deserves everything he gets. So I decided not to respond.

You are probably wondering what had happened to JJ, and whether or not I did end up apologizing to him in the end. As a matter of fact, I did. I sent him a private message, telling him only a small portion of my story, and asked if he could forgive me for doing what I had done to him. I figured after all this time that JJ's emails were merely a reaction to what Bob had done personally to him, but because JJ had chosen to react the way he did, he displayed those characteristics that one really would associate with a cyber bully.

He wrote me back this really wonderful email. Part of it reads:

“Don`t worry about the (Bob) clown and the other business, all that matters is that he has exposed his true colours to you. It would seem he manipulated you to his advantage and misrepresented me to you prior to coming unstuck...”

I was glad I was able to patch things up with him.

Bob, I know, is still around. I know that he has probably given up on me, but I have the feeling he won't stop at trying doing to others what he did to me, which is why I am telling you my story. I guess one important lesson to learn from all of this is to always be careful with who you associate/make friends with online, and learn how to best protect yourself from online predators....

(To read the entire story from the beginning, please click here.

Cyber Bullying and Online Stalking pt. 3 - Finding Ways and Means to get Me to Cave In

(Continuation of part 2)

As advised, I stayed clear away from Bob and decided it best never to contact him again. That was, of course, until he joined a couple of the Flickr groups that I am an Admin for, in the attempt of trying to get in touch with me through there. By this stage, my other fellow colleagues from Flickr, who were also actively moderating these groups, knew of my situation, and we all decided to play things by ear.

Knowing now that I had people who were standing behind me with my decision, Bob at first decided to “test” us by posting comments in threads that had nothing to do wth the topic at hand, and not strictly replying to the group rules. We politely corrected him, and re-explained to him what the rules were, and continued to keep a close eye on him. He even tried to openly attack the religion of the friend who had advised me to stay away from him. These comments we deleted, and he was reprimanded and told that if he made another wrong move, he would be kicked out of the group.

He was eventually banned when he decided to vent his frustrations publicly in the forum, threatening that he would leave Flickr for good within 24 hours, if I or my online friends did not unblock him. When he saw that I wasn't going to budge, he carried out his “threat” and deleted his account, but created a new one and re-joined the forum. This time, he decided to write comments in there that he knew I would try and interfere and reply to. I decided to be civil, only giving short, but polite answers to his comments, but nothing more to make him think that all was forgiven, and that I would be unblocking him.

As far as his private emails to me were concerned, (and they kept coming, even after I stopped writing back), they consisted of all sorts of things to try and get me to respond back. A couple of them had been about supposed sick relatives and how he was grieving for their health, in an attempt to try and get me to feel sympathetic and write to him back. Then emails asking how I was doing, and hoping that he will hear from me soon:

“Dear Raymond,

How are you? I heard that Australia is hitted badly with the A fluenza flue H1N1. I hope you are ok. Please take good care of you! I am so worry of your safety.

Bob”
Some of them had to do with my church, and could I please re-teach him about Jesus Christ and his Gospel. Or he would ask me for help with something, or he would ask me for advice on a certain philosophical question, ANYTHING to try and get me to respond.

The last straw was when he sent me the following email on Facebook:

“Hi !
...I am right now more active in facebook I wonder will you accept me back as your friend? Will you add me back in the face book?

Missing you!

Bob”

Frustrated, upset, and to the point where I had to make it clear to him that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, I ended up writing him the following email:

"Bob/ (long stream of all the Flickr aliases he created)

As I am writing this, I am thinking very carefully about the words I wish to say to you. Never in my lifetime have I EVER had to break a friendship off with ANYONE, as I really feel that when I trust someone, I have a TRUE friend for life. However, I will no longer tolerate being threatened, lied to, intimidated, manipulated, or emotionally blackmailed by the likes of you, such has been your behaviour towards me these past few days.

You knew very well when I asked for you to keep your distance from me after our disagreement, that I meant it. I specifically asked on more than one occasion that I ONLY wanted contact via hotmail, NO LONGER on ANY social site. Instead of respecting my wishes, you chose to create multiple Flickr Accounts (really long list was included in brackets), to try and get to me. When you saw that I had blocked each one of your aliases, you decided to send me YouTube videos of animals eating each other, a short film about a female bus driver being raped and murdered, said that you and your “twin” are now suffering from depression because of my decision to keep my distance, among SO many other things.

When that did not work, you tried to get through to me via my online friends. When you saw that they were on my side and were trying to help me, you decided to take the matter further by threatening to leave Flickr's Biggest Group within 24 hours, if I did not unblock you. You also had the gall to attempt to translate it into German, in an attempt to try and make even my German contacts turn against me.

This is only A TINY PORTION of the things you have done to me since I have distanced myself from you. Not once did you repect my privacy, in order to give me the chance to think things through. Not once did you show any understanding for my feelings and my wish to be able to reflect things over by myself and sort things out. Instead, you chose to continue to lie when I confronted you with more inaccuracies in your ever changing stories, used manipulation and partial truths to try and turn my friends against me, used emotional blackmail to make me feel guilty about my decision, and using inadvertent violent and non-violent threats to get me to unblock you.

It is for my own protection and safety (and MUCH evidently for your own safety and mental well-being) that I now tell you to PLEASE stay away from me. Your behaviour is making me feel uncomfortable, and I feel as if I do not know you at all any more. Do not try and create further Flickr Accounts to get through to me – I will simply keep blocking them. Do not try and get through to me via my friends – they are already well informed of my decision. Do not continue to threaten or harrass me via my hotmail account – I will simply ignore them. You cannot hurt me or my friends any longer, and I will not allow you to make me feel uncomfortable, stressed, angry, or upset any more.

I wish you all the best in your future endeavours.

From Raymond"


As I finished writing this email, I felt a huge wave of relief rush over me. It was as if I had truly said to myself, “I am letting go for good”. All my frustration had gone, and I felt for the first time in the THREE MONTHS that this had been going on for, that I was finally free. And this is how things have left off until the present day...

(Click here to read the conclusion)

Cyber Bullying and Online Stalking pt. 2 - The Blame Game, Invasion of Privacy, and The Beginning of “The Hunt”

Image taken from www.globalchange.umich.edu

Continuing my story from part 1, my dealings with Bob were far from over. After my confrontational email, Bob was only able to give me half-explanations for his answers, and consistently tried to point the finger at every other person who was possibly out to get him to try and ruin his reputation. He blamed his “twin” for hacking into his account, which the “twin” denied and said it was all Bob's doing. He also tried to blame previous Flickr users whose accounts had been deleted months ago, and even tried to blame JJ, trying to have me believe that JJ had hacked into his account and was causing trouble for him. None of it made sense, and when confronted with more questions, he just tried to avoid the subject by blaming other possible “suspects”.

In the meantime, Bob could not accept the fact that I would only be in touch with him via private email during this time, instead of on Flickr of Facebook. He created a new account and identity on Flickr and tried to tag me as a friend which, thankfully, due to another very good online friend of mine, pointed out to me his deceit, and I promptly blocked his new account. He tried another two times after that, and twice more his account was blocked by me. Three times he tried to re-add me as a friend on Facebook, which I ignored repeatedly. He did not like his, trying to make me feel guilty for blocking him by sending me the following emails:

"i am so sorry Ray ! Please keep friendship with me! You are my best friend! If you think I am wrong let me know every of my bad behaviours or wrong things and I will repent and change.
I promise you I will change and repent! Please !
is it because of flirck? Or (my twin)? What ever it is I know I am imperfect a I so value this friendship with you! You are really a good person and I do not want to lost good friend which is a very good person taht i get to know in my life.
Please! Please!
I am so sorry for everything !Are we still friend? What can I di to keep you back as my friend?

Bob"


"raymond! I and (my twin) is under depression because you break the friendship with us.
I already said sorry for everything that you think I am wrong! Is there no frogiveness or chance? Or do you feel disgusted to have a sinner to be your friend?...
I have a friend from mormon church he lost his priesthood for his big mistake but repented. I am not sure for what kind of sin he had commited because he lost his priesthood when i was still an investigator in LDS church.
That time I noticed that he did not take his sacrement so from there i learned that he lost his priesthood.
He declined to tell me his wrong doing in the past that caused him in losing his priesthood he said he cried each night when he remember his wrong doing.
as his friend I told him that no one is perfect. and i do not mind of his past I will always be his friend even he sins and wrong as a friend i will always there for him.he has repented and he is so nice and kind.
So, why when i sin and fall you felt disgust and angry with me and shun on me? Please I am begging you please forgive me and maintain the friendship. ok?

I am begging you raymond!
Bob"

I ended up writing back to him, urging him to respect my privacy and my wishes to ONLY be in contact with him via email, and through no other source of communication, until I had time to work things out:

“I ... noticed that "(new account name)" tagged me as a friend today. I checked out the profile and figured it was either you or (your twin) that is trying to get in touch with me again. Please respect my wishes at this time and ONLY send me normal emails, not Flickr emails. At least not until you can answer my question to you, and until (your twin) has answered all of the questions I have asked him. “

“Please understand that I want to be friends with both of you, but if the pair of you can't get along, then I cannot get involved in that. You two need to sort that part out on your own. As for now, I would prefer to keep the contact via email only with both of you. “


The Facebook requests stopped, but the new Flickr accounts didn't. I had to be very careful who I was accepting as a friend on that site. When Bob had realized that I was not giving in to his pleas and emotional manipulation, he decided to take things to the next level, sending me links to videos about animals preying on other animals. Somehow, I ended up keeping this email amongst my other correspondance with him, and I wish to share only a couple of them here, so that you have an idea of what kinds of videos he was sending me:

(Warning: the videos are slightly graphic, so only view if you feel you can).....

www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVKzHvRnOr8&feature=related

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dK0xNeuxkDk&feature=related

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SJpJabG6mQ&feature=related

There was one particular video that was even worse, but I do not wish to share it here. It was a short film about a female bus driver who was robbed and beaten to death. All of these videos made me feel incredibly nervous, and sought help from one of my friends who, after reading all my correspondance and watching the videos, had drawn the similar conclusion to what I had drawn – that he was inadvertently threatening me to unblock him, OR ELSE. He wanted me to know that he was going to be the predator, and I was going to be his prey, and that this "hunt" would not stop until he got what he wanted.

My friend analyzed the situation as being dangerous for me, and gave me the warning to stay away from Bob and ignore any further emails from him. This I have tried to do to the present day, but this has still not been easy, as you will see in part 3.

Cyber Bullying and Online Stalking pt. 1 - The Truth about "Bob"

There have been some recent events that have happened to one of my online friends that has prompted me to share with you more about my original story of JJ and Bob. This is actually the most painful part of the story for me; even as I am writing this, I had thought I had already worked through it all, but I am finding that I am still hurting inside because of what happened next in this seeminlgy never-ending saga...

Bob's name was cleared from the public slander that JJ had posted, and he was ever so grateful to me for helping him out. We continued to remain close friends, until one day when I noticed his account got deleted. He created a new one, got back in touch with me, and explained that he just woke up that morning and found his account had been deleted. He explained to me that he couldn't work out why his account would have been deleted. I thought nothing of it at the time, until his many accounts began to be deleted all too frequently. His rapid disappearances and reappearances started to make me feel uncomfortable, so I decided to monitor his behaviour in the various forums he participated in. It turns out that he was trying to cause trouble for the forums he was involved in – posting pictures that were inappropriate, or not complying with the rules that the forums had set up. It was at this stage that I immediately blocked him from my Flickr Account, and also from my Facebook Account.

As one would imagine, I was devasted by this revelation: My online friend, whose “good” name I had fought so hard to preserve, was in very deed the type of person JJ said he was! That was a really hard blow to me. I did not know whether I should get in contact with JJ and apologize to him, or whether it was best to leave him alone. It was just so hard for me to take in.

After I had blocked Bob, he decided to write me the following email:

"Dear Raymond,

This is Bob. I noticed that you... have banned and blocked me. I am very stunned of you... action toward me.I am sad, and breathless. Th flikr is very important to me. Without the flikr world, there is no any meaning in my life.

What have I done? What is my mistake that can't be forgive?...At least please tell why I was blocked and banned, thank you.

Your sincerely,

Bob"


I felt that it was time that I told him what I had discovered, so here is what I wrote back:

"Hi Bob.

There are several reasons why I had blocked you, mainly for
behavioural reasons... I would like to share with you how
everything looks like from my perspective. I hope you can
read this with an open mind and an understanding heart.

I too have a few questions for you, and hope that you will
be honest with your answers, just as I am going to be honest
with you now as to why I blocked you.

In the Everything Fun Discussion Group, you mentioned that
your account had been deleted because of discussion threads
you had posted in the Christian Photography Group. You and I
both know that this happens to you and (twin brother) on a
regular basis, and the only reason I can think of behind
that is because you obviously musn't be keeping the
guidelines set in the group rules, or the Flickr guidelines.
You and I also both know that we have had conversations
about this in the past, and I have recommended that you
check Flickr's policies and guidelines first BEFORE you do
anything. Yet you continue to do this. And when you are
kicked out from one group, you try and do something else in
another group that violates that group's guidelines. Why is
that?

The other thing that made me nervous is how (twin brother's)
account was deleted within 1 day after yours was deleted,
which didn't make sense to me. This suspicious behaviour has basically made me question
whether or not I can trust you, because the Head Honchos of
Flickr do not delete people's accounts because they are
doing nothing wrong.

The continual excuse of "I don't know
why my account has been deleted" really doesn't cut it with
me, especially seeing as I have told you before what you can
do to find out why: By reviewing Flickr's guidelines and
policies to ensure that you are not doing anythying wrong.
The fact that you continually get banned from groups and
have your account deleted is an indication to me that you
MUST be doing something wrong, or you're doing something
wrong and not knowing about it, but not bothering to check
up on what it is. And if it is the case that you have been
doing things that are contrary to Flickr's guidelines and
policies, than I no longer wish to associate myself with
such persons.

I hope you can understand why I feel it is important to
protect myself from you at this time. However, if you can
give me a VALID explanation for your behaviour, I might be
able to consider things differently. But the way things
stand, the way it looks to me at the moment, I cannot be
your friend, unless an explanation has been given."

(Previously, Bob had sent me another email, claiming that it was his twin brother that had somehow hacked into his account and was doing those suspicious activities. Bob insisted he had no part in whatever his twin brother did with his account. This explanation is important to understand the rest of my message to him):

"That is my answer to your question for me. Now it is my
turn to ask you some questions that I would like answers to.
It is in regards to the email you sent (to me).
Please remember that I have been honest with you at this
point - I hope you can return the same favour:

In your email..., you stated that you had been
in contact with JJ. First of all, why did you do
this, when you know very well that he has attacked you in
the past? If you will recall the advice I had given to
people in the Flickr Says No group, when you are being cyber
bullied, you should IMMEDIATELY block that person and have
nothing to do with the person AT ALL.. Why have you taken the risk of getting in touch with him again? Why have you allowed yourself to become prey to him again? It's the same thing when you continually post things in groups where the
posts don't belong. To me, it is almost as if you WANT to cause the trouble, so that you have an excuse to complain to someone else that you are being unfairly done by. This is very silly, and your'e only going to upset more people as well as yourself for doing such a thing.

How did JJ find out that I had blocked you? Did
you tell him, and if so, why?... Were you just using this as an opportunity to gossip with JJ
about me?...And why did you feel the need to tell (my online friends)
about it? If you had heard ANYTHING from JJ about
me, you should have verified it with me first BEFORE telling
other people what he said.
That is called gossip, and I do
not like it when people spread stuff about me that is not true.

This new revelation makes me feel even more as though I cannot trust you anymore.


You stated in (your) email that JJ had
given you my email address. Why did you lie to (my online friends)
about that, when you and I both know that you have ALWAYS
had my email address; you got that from (your twin) and
had started emailing me when I was defending you against
JJ? The fact that you have not been totally honest
with (my online friends) makes me question as to whether or
not you have been honest with me in the past.

There are other things that do not add up. In this photo
you posted:
www.flickr.com/photos/38600106@N02/3550321913/
You blamed your brother for using your account to post
those posts that were inappropriate for the kind of group
(one of my friends) had set up. This echoes a previous time when I
myself had received interesting comments from (your twin),
and he ended up blaming it on you. Can you explain for me
how that is possible for (your twin) to use your account to
do that, because BOTH accounts were deleted at roughly the
same time?
How come you all of a sudden found out each other's new account names so quickly and be be able to sabotage each other? It defies all logic, but you obviously think that there has to be plausible explanation for it all,
so I would like to hear it.

Can you understand now why I am frustrated? There are so many things about your behaviour and activites that simply
DO NOT ADD UP, and until you can provide me with a good
explanation for all of this, I need to protect myself and
anyone else who I feel close to. I am really glad that I was able to get all of this off of
my chest, and hope that you can be as honest and upfront
with me, as I have just been with you. There's no need for
me to unblock you, so you can reply back to this - you
already have my email address, so just send your reply to me
there.

I look forward to your reply. I hope we can sort this out.

From Raymond"


This is how I had left it, and I waited patiently for his response, for if he was able to adequately explain himself, I felt that I would have, in time, been able to forgive him. Unfortunately, his answers only left me with more questions, as he and his twin continued to blame each other, which you can read about in PART 2....

Not only Children are Cyber Bullies...

Image taken from http://archive.salon.com/mwt/feature/2001/07/03/cyber_bullies/story.jpg


While I was trying to find an appropriate picture to upload for my previous post, I came across the following article that also deserves a mention in this blog. We are all probably familiar with the story:

A jury convicted a woman last Wednesday of three minor offenses in her role in an internet cyber-hoax which likely drove a 13-year old girl to suicide. Although originally charged with felony charges of accessing a computed without authorization to inflict emotional distress, the jury found defendant Lori Drew guilty of three lesser counts including accessing a computer without authorization. The parents of 13 year old Megan Meier alleged that their daughter was a victim of cyber-bullying which led her to commit suicide in October of 2006. Megan who sometimes suffered from low self-esteem was befriended on the social network MySpace by a boy who quickly became friends and eventually built a relationship with her over the network. Weeks later, Megan began to receive cruel messages from the boy’s account calling her a slut, fat and telling her that he no longer wanted to be friends. The cyber exchange devastated Megan, who was unable to understand how and why her friendship unraveled. The stress and frustration was too much for Megan, who had a history of depression.

Following her suicide the parents discovered that the boy never existed in the first place and that it was actually a hoax created by a mother, who had learned of the page from her own daughter and was using the fake boy’s profile to monitor their daughter’s activity. However, once accessing the fake account, Lori Drew began harassing and bullying the young girl until she hung herself in her own closet. Each conviction Drew faces could result in as much as one year in prison and a $100,000 fine. Sentencing is likely to be determined by the end of the month. Cyber-bullying is not uncommon among teenagers. In fact, almost one half of teens say they have been a victim at least once. What makes this case so troubling is that the bullying came from an adult and not one of Megan’s peers. The Meier family has since taken up the cause of Internet safety by trying to inform all parents of the dangers of cyber-bullying and pushing for parents to be mindful of their children’s online activities and relationships in the hopes that they can prevent further tragedies.
(Originally published by Mark Eiglarsh on his website.)

This story eliminates the stereotypical image of teenagers/adolescents being the only ones who cyber-bully. Cyber bullies come from all ages, shapes, forms and cultural backgrounds. However, this story also gives us hope, in that we can take steps to ensure that nothing like this tragedy ever happens again.

And Cyber-Bullying continues to thrive...

Image taken from http://www.floridacriminaldefenselawyerblog.com/cyberbully.jpg


I was disturbed to find the following going on in one of the Flickr groups I have recently joined.

I invited the girls involved to join My Flickr Group and to read of my experiences and see what kind of person they have become. Of course, I can only do so much as to persuade them to find a better solution to solve their problems with the person they were writing about. They must form their own opinion on the matter. But I hope that we can help these girls out and try and sort out their problems...

Disturbing News Report

Image taken from http://www.childsafetyaustralia.com.au/children/bullying/images/bully.gif

Tonight at work I watched a news report that was quite shocking. There was a boy at a Queensland primary school who was being bullied by another student. Instead of confronting the matter by going through the proper channels (talking to the teachers about it), he took matters into his own hands and confronted the bully with a knife at school! Teachers had to try and calm the boy down, and the whole school had what's called a "lock down", where all the students had to be evacuated into one area of the school until the police came and the boy was apprehended. Thankfully, nobody was hurt.

This is just another example of how damaging it is to let bullying get out of hand. Sure you need to be able to protect yourself from bullies, but there are better ways and means of doing it. There are programs designed to help and protect you from these sorts of people without having you to take matters into your own hands and do something stupid. If it weren't for the teachers and the police who got involved, this boy, who was a victim of schoolyard bullying, would have easily become a murderer.