Online Stalking in General

Image taken from www.stalkershandbook.com

I now go on to explain briefly the story of WHY I had felt the need to share the rest of my story of Bob, and how he turned on me from being my friend, to my stalker. I share this, because it is not just my story - this sort of thing has been happening to other people as well, somtimes not to such extremes, sometimes even worse. I have come to conclude from my experiences that cyber bullies are indeed stalkers, who enjoy abusing their victims verbally and emotionally.

I have recently been helping a friend who is also being stalked online by someone who has displayed the similar aggressiveness and zeal as Bob. However, for the record, this stalker is NOT Bob; he is definitely someone else. I know who Bob is, and I know who this other person is, but due to privacy reasons, I will not reveal the name of my friend, or the name of her cyber-bully. If my friend wants to make herself known, she will......

Originally, my friend was friends with this stalker here in Flickr, until he had stolen one of her self-portraits from her photostream. When she confronted him about this, he deleted the photo from his photostream and apologized. He later on followed her in all of her groups, harrassing her and creating new Flickr accounts, which she ended up blocking.

Eventually, he ended up joining one of my groups that my friend was also a member of, and she sent me a private message warning me of this man's behaviour. I ended up deleting him and sent him a message explaining why he was deleted. He responded with the following:

"hello jemanden
i red your stupid message and i could not stop laughing .why ? because i was sure that i will receive the exact message from you . i know also that you are Princess's friend and of course you will do what she told you without any reason.i mean you trust her because she made you blind and you follow her as a little child!!. i don't need to belong to your facken group.I only tested you and i was right.If you were really wise you would not react as a stupid man. Sorry for telling you that ,but it's the truth my friend.Now you should wake up and be wise before you can juge any body.What happened to me with (your friend) is none of your business boy.Do you understand???"

I responded with:

"Actually... it is YOU who looks more like a fool than you realize. I might be young, but old enough to know better that blurting out accusations WITHOUT BACKING THEM UP is childish and immature, such as what you yourself have done.

I have looked at your photostream, and (my friend) was absolutely right. There are pictures there that even I myself have recognized, and you have not given credit to that original person's work. (My Friend's)' self-portrait was one of those, and the only reason why you deleted it is because she threatened legal action against you. I HAVE SEEN THIS, so I know for a FACT that you do indeed steal photos from other people. Your failure to tell me your side of the story is evidence to me that this is true.

You say that I am lead blindly by (My friend). How do you know this? My judgement of you is not only based by what she has told me, but also by YOUR OWN behaviour and actions. (My friend) has been a huge support to me these past couple of months, ESPECIALLY when I was having personal problems in dealing with people who behave just like you are behaving right now. I too have had to deal with an online stalker, who I have had to block multiple times, because he had created multiple accounts, just like you have done. When I confronted him about his strange behaviour before I started blocking him, he reacted the exact same way I did, accusing ME of being the silly one and being stupid.

You see, whenever online stalkers/bullies are exposed, they tend to react the exact same way, such has been my experiences online. They chuck "temper tantrums" at the person who has confronted them, and accuse THEM of being the ones who are childish. Your immature reaction to my giving you a chance to explain yourself proves to me that, like my online stalker, you cannot deny that what has been said is true, and the only way you can defend yourself is by throwing insults at the people who have confronted you. It is interesting how you accuse me of behaving as a little child, when I had tried to be diplomatic by giving you a chance to explain your side of the story via email, and you come up with such a childish email.....

This behaviour, as well as seeing the stolen photos from other people in your photostream, does not give me any reason to disbelieve (my friend). It is not her words that have influenced my decision. Rather, it has a LOT to do with how I see YOU interact on Flickr. Your response to my email only further confirms that my decision is correct....

...Seeing as I have given you the chance to explain yourself, and and used that chance up by writing such an immature email, I am now going to block you, as I can see that you are not capable of responding in a mature and diplomatic manner, nor is your character any good....

From was_bedeutet_jemanden"

Since then, I believe my friend has not heard anything new from this guy, so I guess he has moved on to, but not entirely lost in cyber space. Like Bob, I know he's still around too.....

What was interesting about this experience was how all my feelings towards Bob and what he did ended up coming flooding back to me when I was helping my friend deal with her problem. Feelings that I had thought I had definitely left behind, but yet a twinge of hurt was still there. Like my friend, I was betrayed by someone who I let in as a friend, someone who turned out to be a monster.

It was because of this experience that I decided to tell the rest of my story, as originally I had planned on not sharing it at all. Now that I have seen what my friend had gone through, I could see that not only the other part of my story would not only help me to deal with the hurt I feel, but also help others realize that my experience is not uncommon, that there are others out there on Flickr and other social websites that have experienced similar things, and it is important to share those experiences and explain how you overcame those trials. This was the whole purpose of why this group was organized to begin with.

In short, I hope that this group will continue to be a source of help to those who want to learn more about how to best deal with online predators, and I hope that we can all come to learn from each others' experiences.

(In case any of you were wondering, I did ask permission from my friend first before telling her story)....

Cyber Bullying and Online Stalking pt. 4 - The Conclusion

(Continuation from Part 3

So here is where my story offically ends. These past three months have been an emotional strain for me, but somehow, with the help of all my wonderful friends who have been there for me during this trying time, I have managed to pull through it. I really couldn't have done it without them.....

As for Bob, I believe he has finally gotten the message, after I sent him that last email, although that has not stopped him from trying at least once a week to try and get me to respond to him. His latest attempt was to get himself involved in a “get rich quick” scam, and wanted my advice AFTER he had gone ahead and signed the deal. Part of me wanted to warn him of the scam – the other part of me knew that even if his getting involved in such a scam were true, just to get my attention again, he deserves everything he gets. So I decided not to respond.

You are probably wondering what had happened to JJ, and whether or not I did end up apologizing to him in the end. As a matter of fact, I did. I sent him a private message, telling him only a small portion of my story, and asked if he could forgive me for doing what I had done to him. I figured after all this time that JJ's emails were merely a reaction to what Bob had done personally to him, but because JJ had chosen to react the way he did, he displayed those characteristics that one really would associate with a cyber bully.

He wrote me back this really wonderful email. Part of it reads:

“Don`t worry about the (Bob) clown and the other business, all that matters is that he has exposed his true colours to you. It would seem he manipulated you to his advantage and misrepresented me to you prior to coming unstuck...”

I was glad I was able to patch things up with him.

Bob, I know, is still around. I know that he has probably given up on me, but I have the feeling he won't stop at trying doing to others what he did to me, which is why I am telling you my story. I guess one important lesson to learn from all of this is to always be careful with who you associate/make friends with online, and learn how to best protect yourself from online predators....

(To read the entire story from the beginning, please click here.

Cyber Bullying and Online Stalking pt. 3 - Finding Ways and Means to get Me to Cave In

(Continuation of part 2)

As advised, I stayed clear away from Bob and decided it best never to contact him again. That was, of course, until he joined a couple of the Flickr groups that I am an Admin for, in the attempt of trying to get in touch with me through there. By this stage, my other fellow colleagues from Flickr, who were also actively moderating these groups, knew of my situation, and we all decided to play things by ear.

Knowing now that I had people who were standing behind me with my decision, Bob at first decided to “test” us by posting comments in threads that had nothing to do wth the topic at hand, and not strictly replying to the group rules. We politely corrected him, and re-explained to him what the rules were, and continued to keep a close eye on him. He even tried to openly attack the religion of the friend who had advised me to stay away from him. These comments we deleted, and he was reprimanded and told that if he made another wrong move, he would be kicked out of the group.

He was eventually banned when he decided to vent his frustrations publicly in the forum, threatening that he would leave Flickr for good within 24 hours, if I or my online friends did not unblock him. When he saw that I wasn't going to budge, he carried out his “threat” and deleted his account, but created a new one and re-joined the forum. This time, he decided to write comments in there that he knew I would try and interfere and reply to. I decided to be civil, only giving short, but polite answers to his comments, but nothing more to make him think that all was forgiven, and that I would be unblocking him.

As far as his private emails to me were concerned, (and they kept coming, even after I stopped writing back), they consisted of all sorts of things to try and get me to respond back. A couple of them had been about supposed sick relatives and how he was grieving for their health, in an attempt to try and get me to feel sympathetic and write to him back. Then emails asking how I was doing, and hoping that he will hear from me soon:

“Dear Raymond,

How are you? I heard that Australia is hitted badly with the A fluenza flue H1N1. I hope you are ok. Please take good care of you! I am so worry of your safety.

Bob”
Some of them had to do with my church, and could I please re-teach him about Jesus Christ and his Gospel. Or he would ask me for help with something, or he would ask me for advice on a certain philosophical question, ANYTHING to try and get me to respond.

The last straw was when he sent me the following email on Facebook:

“Hi !
...I am right now more active in facebook I wonder will you accept me back as your friend? Will you add me back in the face book?

Missing you!

Bob”

Frustrated, upset, and to the point where I had to make it clear to him that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, I ended up writing him the following email:

"Bob/ (long stream of all the Flickr aliases he created)

As I am writing this, I am thinking very carefully about the words I wish to say to you. Never in my lifetime have I EVER had to break a friendship off with ANYONE, as I really feel that when I trust someone, I have a TRUE friend for life. However, I will no longer tolerate being threatened, lied to, intimidated, manipulated, or emotionally blackmailed by the likes of you, such has been your behaviour towards me these past few days.

You knew very well when I asked for you to keep your distance from me after our disagreement, that I meant it. I specifically asked on more than one occasion that I ONLY wanted contact via hotmail, NO LONGER on ANY social site. Instead of respecting my wishes, you chose to create multiple Flickr Accounts (really long list was included in brackets), to try and get to me. When you saw that I had blocked each one of your aliases, you decided to send me YouTube videos of animals eating each other, a short film about a female bus driver being raped and murdered, said that you and your “twin” are now suffering from depression because of my decision to keep my distance, among SO many other things.

When that did not work, you tried to get through to me via my online friends. When you saw that they were on my side and were trying to help me, you decided to take the matter further by threatening to leave Flickr's Biggest Group within 24 hours, if I did not unblock you. You also had the gall to attempt to translate it into German, in an attempt to try and make even my German contacts turn against me.

This is only A TINY PORTION of the things you have done to me since I have distanced myself from you. Not once did you repect my privacy, in order to give me the chance to think things through. Not once did you show any understanding for my feelings and my wish to be able to reflect things over by myself and sort things out. Instead, you chose to continue to lie when I confronted you with more inaccuracies in your ever changing stories, used manipulation and partial truths to try and turn my friends against me, used emotional blackmail to make me feel guilty about my decision, and using inadvertent violent and non-violent threats to get me to unblock you.

It is for my own protection and safety (and MUCH evidently for your own safety and mental well-being) that I now tell you to PLEASE stay away from me. Your behaviour is making me feel uncomfortable, and I feel as if I do not know you at all any more. Do not try and create further Flickr Accounts to get through to me – I will simply keep blocking them. Do not try and get through to me via my friends – they are already well informed of my decision. Do not continue to threaten or harrass me via my hotmail account – I will simply ignore them. You cannot hurt me or my friends any longer, and I will not allow you to make me feel uncomfortable, stressed, angry, or upset any more.

I wish you all the best in your future endeavours.

From Raymond"


As I finished writing this email, I felt a huge wave of relief rush over me. It was as if I had truly said to myself, “I am letting go for good”. All my frustration had gone, and I felt for the first time in the THREE MONTHS that this had been going on for, that I was finally free. And this is how things have left off until the present day...

(Click here to read the conclusion)

Cyber Bullying and Online Stalking pt. 2 - The Blame Game, Invasion of Privacy, and The Beginning of “The Hunt”

Image taken from www.globalchange.umich.edu

Continuing my story from part 1, my dealings with Bob were far from over. After my confrontational email, Bob was only able to give me half-explanations for his answers, and consistently tried to point the finger at every other person who was possibly out to get him to try and ruin his reputation. He blamed his “twin” for hacking into his account, which the “twin” denied and said it was all Bob's doing. He also tried to blame previous Flickr users whose accounts had been deleted months ago, and even tried to blame JJ, trying to have me believe that JJ had hacked into his account and was causing trouble for him. None of it made sense, and when confronted with more questions, he just tried to avoid the subject by blaming other possible “suspects”.

In the meantime, Bob could not accept the fact that I would only be in touch with him via private email during this time, instead of on Flickr of Facebook. He created a new account and identity on Flickr and tried to tag me as a friend which, thankfully, due to another very good online friend of mine, pointed out to me his deceit, and I promptly blocked his new account. He tried another two times after that, and twice more his account was blocked by me. Three times he tried to re-add me as a friend on Facebook, which I ignored repeatedly. He did not like his, trying to make me feel guilty for blocking him by sending me the following emails:

"i am so sorry Ray ! Please keep friendship with me! You are my best friend! If you think I am wrong let me know every of my bad behaviours or wrong things and I will repent and change.
I promise you I will change and repent! Please !
is it because of flirck? Or (my twin)? What ever it is I know I am imperfect a I so value this friendship with you! You are really a good person and I do not want to lost good friend which is a very good person taht i get to know in my life.
Please! Please!
I am so sorry for everything !Are we still friend? What can I di to keep you back as my friend?

Bob"


"raymond! I and (my twin) is under depression because you break the friendship with us.
I already said sorry for everything that you think I am wrong! Is there no frogiveness or chance? Or do you feel disgusted to have a sinner to be your friend?...
I have a friend from mormon church he lost his priesthood for his big mistake but repented. I am not sure for what kind of sin he had commited because he lost his priesthood when i was still an investigator in LDS church.
That time I noticed that he did not take his sacrement so from there i learned that he lost his priesthood.
He declined to tell me his wrong doing in the past that caused him in losing his priesthood he said he cried each night when he remember his wrong doing.
as his friend I told him that no one is perfect. and i do not mind of his past I will always be his friend even he sins and wrong as a friend i will always there for him.he has repented and he is so nice and kind.
So, why when i sin and fall you felt disgust and angry with me and shun on me? Please I am begging you please forgive me and maintain the friendship. ok?

I am begging you raymond!
Bob"

I ended up writing back to him, urging him to respect my privacy and my wishes to ONLY be in contact with him via email, and through no other source of communication, until I had time to work things out:

“I ... noticed that "(new account name)" tagged me as a friend today. I checked out the profile and figured it was either you or (your twin) that is trying to get in touch with me again. Please respect my wishes at this time and ONLY send me normal emails, not Flickr emails. At least not until you can answer my question to you, and until (your twin) has answered all of the questions I have asked him. “

“Please understand that I want to be friends with both of you, but if the pair of you can't get along, then I cannot get involved in that. You two need to sort that part out on your own. As for now, I would prefer to keep the contact via email only with both of you. “


The Facebook requests stopped, but the new Flickr accounts didn't. I had to be very careful who I was accepting as a friend on that site. When Bob had realized that I was not giving in to his pleas and emotional manipulation, he decided to take things to the next level, sending me links to videos about animals preying on other animals. Somehow, I ended up keeping this email amongst my other correspondance with him, and I wish to share only a couple of them here, so that you have an idea of what kinds of videos he was sending me:

(Warning: the videos are slightly graphic, so only view if you feel you can).....

www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVKzHvRnOr8&feature=related

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dK0xNeuxkDk&feature=related

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SJpJabG6mQ&feature=related

There was one particular video that was even worse, but I do not wish to share it here. It was a short film about a female bus driver who was robbed and beaten to death. All of these videos made me feel incredibly nervous, and sought help from one of my friends who, after reading all my correspondance and watching the videos, had drawn the similar conclusion to what I had drawn – that he was inadvertently threatening me to unblock him, OR ELSE. He wanted me to know that he was going to be the predator, and I was going to be his prey, and that this "hunt" would not stop until he got what he wanted.

My friend analyzed the situation as being dangerous for me, and gave me the warning to stay away from Bob and ignore any further emails from him. This I have tried to do to the present day, but this has still not been easy, as you will see in part 3.

Cyber Bullying and Online Stalking pt. 1 - The Truth about "Bob"

There have been some recent events that have happened to one of my online friends that has prompted me to share with you more about my original story of JJ and Bob. This is actually the most painful part of the story for me; even as I am writing this, I had thought I had already worked through it all, but I am finding that I am still hurting inside because of what happened next in this seeminlgy never-ending saga...

Bob's name was cleared from the public slander that JJ had posted, and he was ever so grateful to me for helping him out. We continued to remain close friends, until one day when I noticed his account got deleted. He created a new one, got back in touch with me, and explained that he just woke up that morning and found his account had been deleted. He explained to me that he couldn't work out why his account would have been deleted. I thought nothing of it at the time, until his many accounts began to be deleted all too frequently. His rapid disappearances and reappearances started to make me feel uncomfortable, so I decided to monitor his behaviour in the various forums he participated in. It turns out that he was trying to cause trouble for the forums he was involved in – posting pictures that were inappropriate, or not complying with the rules that the forums had set up. It was at this stage that I immediately blocked him from my Flickr Account, and also from my Facebook Account.

As one would imagine, I was devasted by this revelation: My online friend, whose “good” name I had fought so hard to preserve, was in very deed the type of person JJ said he was! That was a really hard blow to me. I did not know whether I should get in contact with JJ and apologize to him, or whether it was best to leave him alone. It was just so hard for me to take in.

After I had blocked Bob, he decided to write me the following email:

"Dear Raymond,

This is Bob. I noticed that you... have banned and blocked me. I am very stunned of you... action toward me.I am sad, and breathless. Th flikr is very important to me. Without the flikr world, there is no any meaning in my life.

What have I done? What is my mistake that can't be forgive?...At least please tell why I was blocked and banned, thank you.

Your sincerely,

Bob"


I felt that it was time that I told him what I had discovered, so here is what I wrote back:

"Hi Bob.

There are several reasons why I had blocked you, mainly for
behavioural reasons... I would like to share with you how
everything looks like from my perspective. I hope you can
read this with an open mind and an understanding heart.

I too have a few questions for you, and hope that you will
be honest with your answers, just as I am going to be honest
with you now as to why I blocked you.

In the Everything Fun Discussion Group, you mentioned that
your account had been deleted because of discussion threads
you had posted in the Christian Photography Group. You and I
both know that this happens to you and (twin brother) on a
regular basis, and the only reason I can think of behind
that is because you obviously musn't be keeping the
guidelines set in the group rules, or the Flickr guidelines.
You and I also both know that we have had conversations
about this in the past, and I have recommended that you
check Flickr's policies and guidelines first BEFORE you do
anything. Yet you continue to do this. And when you are
kicked out from one group, you try and do something else in
another group that violates that group's guidelines. Why is
that?

The other thing that made me nervous is how (twin brother's)
account was deleted within 1 day after yours was deleted,
which didn't make sense to me. This suspicious behaviour has basically made me question
whether or not I can trust you, because the Head Honchos of
Flickr do not delete people's accounts because they are
doing nothing wrong.

The continual excuse of "I don't know
why my account has been deleted" really doesn't cut it with
me, especially seeing as I have told you before what you can
do to find out why: By reviewing Flickr's guidelines and
policies to ensure that you are not doing anythying wrong.
The fact that you continually get banned from groups and
have your account deleted is an indication to me that you
MUST be doing something wrong, or you're doing something
wrong and not knowing about it, but not bothering to check
up on what it is. And if it is the case that you have been
doing things that are contrary to Flickr's guidelines and
policies, than I no longer wish to associate myself with
such persons.

I hope you can understand why I feel it is important to
protect myself from you at this time. However, if you can
give me a VALID explanation for your behaviour, I might be
able to consider things differently. But the way things
stand, the way it looks to me at the moment, I cannot be
your friend, unless an explanation has been given."

(Previously, Bob had sent me another email, claiming that it was his twin brother that had somehow hacked into his account and was doing those suspicious activities. Bob insisted he had no part in whatever his twin brother did with his account. This explanation is important to understand the rest of my message to him):

"That is my answer to your question for me. Now it is my
turn to ask you some questions that I would like answers to.
It is in regards to the email you sent (to me).
Please remember that I have been honest with you at this
point - I hope you can return the same favour:

In your email..., you stated that you had been
in contact with JJ. First of all, why did you do
this, when you know very well that he has attacked you in
the past? If you will recall the advice I had given to
people in the Flickr Says No group, when you are being cyber
bullied, you should IMMEDIATELY block that person and have
nothing to do with the person AT ALL.. Why have you taken the risk of getting in touch with him again? Why have you allowed yourself to become prey to him again? It's the same thing when you continually post things in groups where the
posts don't belong. To me, it is almost as if you WANT to cause the trouble, so that you have an excuse to complain to someone else that you are being unfairly done by. This is very silly, and your'e only going to upset more people as well as yourself for doing such a thing.

How did JJ find out that I had blocked you? Did
you tell him, and if so, why?... Were you just using this as an opportunity to gossip with JJ
about me?...And why did you feel the need to tell (my online friends)
about it? If you had heard ANYTHING from JJ about
me, you should have verified it with me first BEFORE telling
other people what he said.
That is called gossip, and I do
not like it when people spread stuff about me that is not true.

This new revelation makes me feel even more as though I cannot trust you anymore.


You stated in (your) email that JJ had
given you my email address. Why did you lie to (my online friends)
about that, when you and I both know that you have ALWAYS
had my email address; you got that from (your twin) and
had started emailing me when I was defending you against
JJ? The fact that you have not been totally honest
with (my online friends) makes me question as to whether or
not you have been honest with me in the past.

There are other things that do not add up. In this photo
you posted:
www.flickr.com/photos/38600106@N02/3550321913/
You blamed your brother for using your account to post
those posts that were inappropriate for the kind of group
(one of my friends) had set up. This echoes a previous time when I
myself had received interesting comments from (your twin),
and he ended up blaming it on you. Can you explain for me
how that is possible for (your twin) to use your account to
do that, because BOTH accounts were deleted at roughly the
same time?
How come you all of a sudden found out each other's new account names so quickly and be be able to sabotage each other? It defies all logic, but you obviously think that there has to be plausible explanation for it all,
so I would like to hear it.

Can you understand now why I am frustrated? There are so many things about your behaviour and activites that simply
DO NOT ADD UP, and until you can provide me with a good
explanation for all of this, I need to protect myself and
anyone else who I feel close to. I am really glad that I was able to get all of this off of
my chest, and hope that you can be as honest and upfront
with me, as I have just been with you. There's no need for
me to unblock you, so you can reply back to this - you
already have my email address, so just send your reply to me
there.

I look forward to your reply. I hope we can sort this out.

From Raymond"


This is how I had left it, and I waited patiently for his response, for if he was able to adequately explain himself, I felt that I would have, in time, been able to forgive him. Unfortunately, his answers only left me with more questions, as he and his twin continued to blame each other, which you can read about in PART 2....