Beyond the Grave: Teen Suicide and Cyber Bullying

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First and foremost, I would like to apologise for not having written in a while; my life offline has been pretty hectic these past few months. I wanted to take the time to write in here tonight on account of a news article that popped up in my news feed this evening regarding another report of teenage suicide. The full article can be read by clicking on the link below:

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/national/8275223/cyber-bullied-teen-taunted-after-death

Daani Sanders took her own life just yesterday after suffering continual harrassment from cyber bullies. The article seems to read that most of the bullies came from her school, and that the bullying was done over Facebook. What makes matters worse is that the tribute pages set up by Daani's friends on Facebook have been the target of further bullying, with people saying that they "laughed... out hard" when they heard the tragic news. The video attached to the article portrays hundreds of people gathering around to pay her respects, people who genuinely cared for her and are now sad that she is gone. Her boyfriend was also interviewed for the news report.

There are a few things about this story which disturb me greatly, and raise some very alarming questions. These are:

1) The fact that people had the gall to say they were glad she died on the Facebook tribute pages. There is something quite unsettling about people delighting in other peoples' tragedies. Has bullying now reached a level where the bullies are no longer satisfied with making their victims' lives miserable, that they have to kill themselves before a bully can say he/she has reached his/her ultimate goal? And what is this saying in general about the kind of environment our kids are growing up in?

2) The fact that the bullying has continued after death . Isn't it enough now that a life has been taken because of cruel words and callous remarks? What do these people aim to achieve by rubbing salt onto the already existing wounds of the victim's family and friends?

3) The fact the Daani's parents had to pull her out of school because of the bullying. There is a pattern I am finding in a lot of the (cyber) bullying cases I have been reading lately, and withdrawing the victim from the school where the bullying is taking place is one of them. The question begs as to why do parents feel that this is the ultimate course of action they need to take to make sure their kids are safe. With all the anti-bullying policies and procedures schools have placed to ensure student safety, why do some students still unsafe? How serious are teachers/principles taking this very important issue? These questions arise from a person who will eventually become a teacher one he has finished his degree, so while I do not have the answers to these questions now, I am certain that I will find these answers out when I step into the teaching field, and I hope to be able to find ways of making sure the system works properly.

4) What I found the most disturbing about the whole incident is the way in which the boyfriend reacted to hearing of her death. He claims not to have known the extent of the bullying, and seems to actually be downplaying the incident, claiming that bullying would not have been a major contributing factor behind his beloved's death:

"I guess bullying could come in but I don't know, I don't really think it's about bullying...She has other issues that no one knows, not even me."

Now, I am probably being a little bit too judgmental of the boyfriend's character; it could very well be that he is still in mourning and that downplaying what happen is simply his way of dealing with the grief. But if you're in a steady relationship with someone, and you had a little bit of an idea of the problems and "other issues" that someone is having, why would you not keep the communication lines open and try and get him/her to open up to you? Furthermore, he would have known about Daani's parents taking her out of school because of the bullying. This should have been another indicator that the bullying had to have been more serious than he realised.

Things that I have realised and learned from reading this article are:

1) Making sure you know your cyber friends really well. It is interesting that Daani had over 2000 Facebook friends at the time the bullying occurred. How many out of those 2000 Facebook friends did she really know? Did she know them well enough to be able to trust them in sharing her personal online life with them? I just know for myself that I never had that many friends when I was 16, and still don't have that many today. I guess one important lesson we could learn here is to be careful who we are adding as friends on Facebook and other social websites, because we really do not know what kind of people are out there in cyberspace. Perhaps some of her "friends" were fake profiles set up by the bullies that tormented her at school, in order to try and get to her? I remember from my own struggle against cyber bullying that that was what my bully used to do. Making sure you add ONLY those people you know and trust as friends on social networks is probably the safest way to ensure you do not become a victim of cyber bullying.

2) It is NEVER good to downplay bullying or to treat it lightly. Always keep communication lines open, especially if you are in a relationship where you sense your partner is being bullied by someone else. I guess part of the reason why Daani's boyfriend never understood the extent of the bullying is because there was a communication breakdown somewhere. I am not saying this to try and make out that he is partly at fault for what happened; what I am saying is if we know of someone who is having difficulty fitting in at school to be aware of possible "signals" they are sending, and making sure that we lend a listening ear, so that that person can know they can turn to you for comfort and advice.

3) As an extention of 2), people who are being bullied should always remember that they are not alone in this struggle. The video reports hundreds of people who cared for Daani and are grieving her death; only a small handful of people had bullied her. The number of people who cared enough about her far outweighed the number of people who had tried to tear her down - and succeeded. I know I have mentioned this on more than one occassion in this blog, but I feel that communication is one of many tools which we can use to help those we know of who are victims of (cyber) bullying. Helping the victims see things from the perspective that there are more people who care about them than hate them, can be a great help for them, for this knowledge can be a great strength to them when things become too unbearable.

To conclude, there are many questions still left unanswered. The most tragic thing about teenage suicide in general is the fact that families and friends will never be able to fully understand the reasons why the person who they cared for decides to take their own life. While we might not know the answers to all of the questions we ask ourselves when such tragedies occur, we can prevent other people from going through the same trauma by raising awareness and speaking out for tougher measures against bullies.